Fault in our starts

So, I just came back from watching the fault in our starts, and as you probably expect, I’m a wreck. The movie is everything I expected and more and, like many other emotional movies before it, it got me thinking.

I know it’s bad, but it’s what happens. People think, just like dogs bark and cats use you for food -well not all cats, but the smart and fat ones.-

Firstly I started thinking about what Augusts said, about oblivion, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I too have his ridiculous fear. The wanting to be recognized, the wanting to make a change and know that when you leave people will remember you, even if it’s for the strangest things or simplest. That’s why I always sing with a little extra strenght that verse from Marina’s song "Don’t need money, don’t need fame, I just want to make a change, I just wanna change". It’s not about fame, it’s about being remembered, knowing that someone cared, knowing that you changed something in whatever years you had here, knowing that you weren’t here just wasting oxygen.

I do find myself sometimes "in times of trouble", but, funnily enough, no mother Mary comes to me. That is, because I need to be my own mother Mary, or at least that’s what my reality has taught me. You can’t depend on people to come rushing into your room in the middle of the night, ready to hug you shower you with love every time it’s one of those nights. If you are lucky, they’ll come once. I’ve learned that, if you want comfort and love you need to give yourself that. Yes, the love of friends, of lovers and family is very much welcome, but they have their own demons to slay.

So, when I do find myself in these ever so often times of trouble, I fucking grab my head phones and blast “The show must go on”. As I mouth every word, I can feel the pain, the loneliness, but as I sing those lines: “Ooh, inside my heart is breaking. My make - up may be flaking, but my smile still stays on. The show must go on…” I make a plea to myself, that despite all my demons, I will not let others see or feel what I feel. I will help everyone I can and make sure that I leave my “oh so wanted change”, that I leave my mark even if it’s stained with a tear. 

"oh yes, I’m the Great Pretender…."